“Go and sin no more. . .”; “The bible clearly says. . .”; “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”; “You will burn in the lake of fire.”; “God hates you!”; “There is a demon inside you.”; “This isn’t what God want’s for you!”; “You are wrong!”; “You are just confused.”; “You choose to be gay but you’ve only got two choices: Heaven or Hell.”; “I’m sorry, there is no place for you in this church, no place for you at God’s table. You are not welcome here.”
“Faggot! – Queer! – Tinkerbell! – Pansy! – Sissy! – FAG!”
Does it hurt to read those words? Trust me, it hurt just to type them. It brought back so much desperation, nervousness, shyness, deep tears and FEAR. It put me right back into that darkness I so desperately wanted to get out of. But how could I be a Christian, follow the religious teachings of my upbringing and be gay????
I knew I was different from other kids and because of that difference, it seems I kind of grew up in hate. My whole childhood – from elementary, to middle school (what a nightmare) and then on into high school. I was surrounded by homophobia and I didn’t even know it, or at the time, even knew what that word meant. Let’s face it – Homophobia, at its core existence, is hatred that changes the way myself and other LGBTQ+ folks understand our value. By being told all those things and being called all those names, I had no value and I didn’t place value in others. I didn’t value friendships. I didn’t value family. I had no sense of pride or self-esteem. I became quiet, unbelievably shy and extremely depressed. Imagine saying to yourself on a daily basis “If God doesn’t love me, no one will!” – Suicide was a constant thought. I found that I began distancing myself from everyone and everything. If I didn’t speak, if I didn’t make any sudden moves, if I just blended into the background, I wouldn’t draw attention to myself.
Regardless of what I was told, what I heard and how I felt, I still went to church EVERY Wednesday night and twice on Sundays. I went in hopes that I could “pray away the gay.” But it never happened and I eventually gave up on God.
I gave up on God . . . and I ran. I ran from the fear, from the hate, from the disappointment. I really think I was running to get away from ME. Running from who I was or who I didn’t want to be. I ran in desperation. I ran in hopes of finding myself, finding balance, finding happiness in whatever form was destined for me, but because I didn’t value myself, I would NEVER find me.
Years pass and I continued to run, but something was happening. I ran so far away that those voices in my head from my childhood disappeared. I was tired of being miserable and one day a light switch was flipped and I finally accepted the fact that I WAS ME! From that moment on, I began to LOVE ME. The love I gave TO ME began to grow and through loving myself, for the first time in my life, I could truly and selflessly love others. I found value in others, learned to appreciate others and LOVED them. That realization put a desire inside of me to live my life in love.
From that moment and still today, I will fight and speak against HATE in any form. To share my story of how HATE kept me in the darkness and how LOVE won and brought me into the light. A light of peace, understanding, true hope, warmth, comfort and security. This journey is what brought me to being #TiredofHate.
Through everything I had experience, I was still searching for something. Looking for a missing piece of my life’s puzzle. Somewhere in the far reaches of everything I ran away from, God was calling me. Calling me to fulfill HIS purpose for MY life. Calling me to share my gifts, share my story, and share my love, but because of the hate, the fear takes over and creates doubt.
That doubt brought me to Saint Elmo United Methodist Church. Saint Elmo UMC embraced me, showered me with God’s love and grace, and covered me in peace, warmth, comfort and the security that I had never found in a nationally recognized denomination before – especially in the Southern Bible Belt. When I found Saint Elmo, I found a part of myself that had been missing. The final piece to my life’s puzzle, now made complete. Made complete by placing GOD in the Center of my life. Made complete by using GOD’s love to feed my love. Made complete by refueling my life’s mission to be #TiredofHate. Made complete by sharing God’s love regardless of ANYTHING and honestly UNCONDITIONALLY.
Growing up I heard what I THOUGHT God would say. After being #TiredofHate, I now hear God saying:
- I UNDERSTAND YOUR REJECTION, I WAS REJECTED TOO
- I WANT YOU TO LOVE YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
- I WANT MORE OF YOU AND THE WORLD NEEDS YOU
- I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU – ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AND ALWAYS WILL BE
This is just a short timeline of my journey. I encourage you to reach out to me, call me, message me. Let’s do lunch or dinner and share. Share your story of #tiredofhate.
